You don’t understand and for that I am thankful.
Early
this weekend while chit chatting with friends, I admitted to one of my biggest
fears- not being understood. Yet today I
sit here realizing that my biggest fear is one of my biggest praises.
It hits
me every so often. Normally something
triggers it; a picture, a Facebook post, a similar story. Then I process. I
process that my brother had cancer for four years. I process the rollercoaster
of my childhood and parts of me ache in ways that I can’t even describe. Alas I
am reminded of the fact that my brother annoys me. How awesome is that? I have
annoyance in my life, instead of emptiness. My brother is healthy and alive and
annoying! I wouldn’t ask for it to be any other way. The Lord was faithful with
Matt’s healing.
Tonight
it all hit me, thanks to a Facebook post about Thon. While my roommate silently
rubbed my arm and held me while I sobbed, I unsuccessfully tried to communicate
my feelings. Her response was, “I know I
don’t understand, but I love you.”
And
that is when my biggest fear turned into a blessing. I am so thankful that
Hannah doesn’t understand and I pray that she never will. I am thankful that
because of dedicated doctors and nurses, less people can relate to my experience. I am grateful
that because of Penn State Dance Marathon, understanding decreases.
Cancer is ugly. Misunderstanding is beautiful.
