Fears and Thankfulness.

You don’t understand and for that I am thankful.

                Early this weekend while chit chatting with friends, I admitted to one of my biggest fears- not being understood.  Yet today I sit here realizing that my biggest fear is one of my biggest praises.

                It hits me every so often.  Normally something triggers it; a picture, a Facebook post, a similar story. Then I process. I process that my brother had cancer for four years. I process the rollercoaster of my childhood and parts of me ache in ways that I can’t even describe. Alas I am reminded of the fact that my brother annoys me. How awesome is that? I have annoyance in my life, instead of emptiness. My brother is healthy and alive and annoying! I wouldn’t ask for it to be any other way. The Lord was faithful with Matt’s healing.

                Tonight it all hit me, thanks to a Facebook post about Thon. While my roommate silently rubbed my arm and held me while I sobbed, I unsuccessfully tried to communicate my feelings.  Her response was, “I know I don’t understand, but I love you.”

                And that is when my biggest fear turned into a blessing. I am so thankful that Hannah doesn’t understand and I pray that she never will. I am thankful that because of dedicated doctors and nurses, less people can relate to my experience. I am grateful that because of Penn State Dance Marathon, understanding decreases.

Cancer is ugly. Misunderstanding is beautiful.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XXyQ5gfHT8

Ocean City Beach Project 2013

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

Ocean City Beach Project has already been one of the most influential parts of my Christian faith.

Our white house on the corner of Wesley and 7^th, also known as the Ark, quickly became home to all of the students. My other twenty six Jesus-hungry peers come with different stories, talents, and passions. The unique diversity each individual brings, coupled with a concrete common ground of Christ and a desire to lead, formats one of the most beautiful communities I have ever been a part of.  Simply put, it’s a family.  It is a place of hospitality, acceptance, laughter and growth. One snapshot of this could be found by looking at our dinners. Each night we sit down and eat together, followed by a student or two sharing their testimony. That’s good food, Jesus, and vulnerability, folks.

The basis of the program is to transform college students to be better leaders, get a clearer picture of God’s call in their life, and ultimately in turn transform the world for Christ.  Each student has a job throughout the day which enables us to be a part of the community. With this job comes the opportunity to truly have a servant’s heart in our daily lives and to be immersed in the world of ministry. We are encouraged to invite co-workers over for dinner. We are challenged to live out our faith in the work place. We are given responsibility.

Furthermore, in the evenings, we are blessed with speakers who teach truth into our lives; everything from gospel identity, to bible study leading techniques, to strength finders material. We are also diving into the book of Mark together this summer. Broken up into small groups, we are then each able to lead a bible study on a specific passage of Mark. We have discussion groups about Tim Keller’s Gospel in Life series which are particularly challenging to how we practically live out the gospel. On top of this, there is a more intimate group called a triad; a staff member and two students. The triad groups are reading through A Gospel Centered Life and digging into everything on a much more personal level. I can’t fail to mention having house worship each week or being connected with a local church and investing in them (even by little ways such as joining the choir).

God is constantly revealing himself as we constantly seek him. I am humbled by the amount I have learned in my short time here. Everyone in the program is hungry, thirsty, and desperate for Christ- and he satisfies. I am so grateful for experiencing that satisfaction that doesn’t disappoint or leave me empty. I am thankful to learn more about myself. I am in love, quite frankly, with Jesus.

This season of my life is evidently a time of contentment and restoration that can only be found in Christ. After a storm, there is shock.  After shock, there is acceptance and initial healing. Yet there is one aspect that often gets overlooked; the rebuilding, rediscovering, redirecting and attending. This is the step that requires action. I’ve experienced many storms and mindlessly continued to live among the rubble instead of clearing out the junk and replacing it with something beautiful.

The Beach Project has been so vital in clearing out the trash in my heart. Being surrounded by a Christian community has been incredible. Sharing my story and experiencing acceptance, freedom, iron sharpening iron, Christ chasing after me daily. Praise be to God!

Wounds are being healed and replaced with the appearance of beautiful scars. Redemption is bringing glory to the only one who deserves it. Growth is evident and love is easier. Positive action is not only wanted, but needed. Walls are crumbling, truth is not only heard but believed, and prayers for more faith are constantly whispered in longing of an adopted daughter’s heart.

Yo quiero

                As I traveled to the Dominican again I was excited about what God had in store. I know that whenever we break out of our comfort zones, God uses the opportunity to teach us if we are willing to learn. 

                I spent most of my time at the Social Work Site in El Callejon. Obstacle number one: the language barrier. Thankfully the Lord provided patient servants of service who willingly taught me “un chin” (a little bit) of the language each day. Needless to say, everyone received some comic relief as I stumbled over pronunciation.  One of my frequent mistakes was saying “the floor” instead of “heaven”. Just imagine hearing someone say “Our God in the floor is faithful.”  Among all the sayings I learned, the first and most useful was the phrase yo quiero, which translates into I want.

                After having time to reflect on the trip, my summer, my year, and the future, I realized that my mindset and the cry of my heart seems to be yo quiero.  I want this and that. I want a bright future, security, a new phone, cute clothes, and perfect relationships. I want things to work out perfectly in my timing, just the way I planned it to.  I want. 

                My consumption mindset leaves little room for God’s giving spirit to fill me. When I am so focused on the things around me instead of the things above me, I am living for the wrong purpose and I am running the race towards a prize that will disintegrate.

                You can seem to have your life together; go on mission’s trips, attend church every week, pray before meals, and read a chapter of your bible each night…but if our hearts have not been surrendered to Christ then our weaknesses will easily be attacked by Satan. If we don’t accept God’s incredible and undeserved gift of Jesus, then we are wandering lost.

                I get frustrated with myself when I think about how much time I spend doing things that please myself instead of furthering the Kingdom.  We are called to store up our treasures in Heaven. Instead of doing an occasional good deed, I pray that my lifestyle is one that belittles the importance of selfish and sinful desires. I pray that I truly run the race marked out for us with my all. God deserves my adoration, repentance, thoughts, and heart. Let’s be honest, He deserves everything.

                Day after day, the ways of this world present themselves in such an appealing light. I don’t want to conform. Therefore I am planning on surrendering myself daily to Him. Instead of saying yo quiero, I will be asking the Lord what He wants.

                I want to be where you are. I want to follow you, Lord... Your plans are far better than mine. 

Haven't made an appearance here in a while...

            I suppose that I only feel compelled to write my thoughts when something significant is happening. Whenever anything significant happens, God is working. There is no doubt about that. Yet I think one of the biggest things I have to remind myself of is that when insignificant things are happening, God is working.

                I always feel so close to God in times of need. Throughout my life I have encountered dark valleys, long nights, and hurt. God was there through it all; loving me, holding me, and reminding me of his incomparable promises. With change, the Lord presents his sculpting hands and so evidently molds his children. With brokenness, the Lord presents open arms and forgiveness. With doubt, He gives reassurance. And with weakness, His strength conquers all.

                A few months ago I tried to memorize Psalm 91. Today as I was having quiet time, I realized how little of the verse I remembered. Needless to say I failed that goal. So I opened my Bible and started to read, then meditate. The sword of truth, God’s word, so clearly reminds me of how fleeting the lies are that Satan or others have told me and how unwavering His love is.

                “He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91:15-16

                Okay, can we all just stop for a second and think about what that verse says? We call upon God and He answers, He delivers, and He satisfies. Now smile! That is incredible. 

                So I am setting out to memorize this Psalm yet again. This time with the beautiful reminder that insignificant is not in God’s vocabulary. He will be there to comfort, love, and hold me in the midst of everything.

                Now the next step is accepting that love constantly not just when I think I need it. Let’s be honest, I need it all the time. That unfailing love is the only place where identity and security can be found.  Praise be to God for such a sturdy foundation. We have a creator whom we can be vulnerable with and face no fear of rejection.  So undeserved and such a blessing.

                My prayer is for unavoidable awareness of God in every situation.

Amen. 

There is always a lesson to be learned, with or without a textbook...

College has been interesting so far. I’ve learned more than expected and grown more than imagined.

Of course academically my mental capacity has been test to the extreme and I’m starting to perfect the infamous college “cramming” and “all-nighters”. My classes are thankfully interesting, and I am loving my two majors more and more every day. I’m still completely clueless as to what I want to do with my life. I have absolutely no idea what my future holds, but I know time will tell where God is calling me with respect to my career path.
Putting aside Grove City's "rigorous academics", what is even more amazing is that I am watching God work and move in my personal life. I have seen His hand in my relationships with strangers, acquaintances, new friends, old friends, family, and most importantly Him.

I am so glad to say that my confidence is now deeply and completely found in my Abba, my one source of ultimate truth, my love, my God.

"For the Lord will be your confidence"
Proverbs 3:26a

 Calvary on Campus (although I wasn’t there, I did get to watch it online!) did a really cool thing; people from the church shared their “cardboard testimonies”. Written on one side of a piece of cardboard was their life without God and on the flip side was their testimony of life with God.

My cardboard testimony would simply be this:

Once a people pleaser to the extreme. Now trying to please the only one that matters.

I used to have trouble saying no. I worried what people thought more often than I cracked open my bible. I compared myself to others superficially instead of loving on everyone that I encountered. I had to make everyone happy and in my mind I was still a failure.  As my one friend would say... I always “got down and pooped on myself”. I didn’t see it and I was great at denying it.
 God has softened and opened my heart during my first months at college to see that what really matters is Him.
There is no doubt that it has been a process. Learning lessons from God doesn’t always happen overnight. But I have realized my security cannot be torn down or rebuilt by a guy. My confidence cannot be expressed by the clothes I wear. My personal acceptance does not fluctuate with the invitations from exclusive friend groups. I find myself in God. His never changing, always loving nature is my constant Rock.

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
Psalm 18:2

My prayers have shifted. I pray for his wisdom and knowledge. I pray for his ability to love. I pray for humility, comfort and opportunity. I thank Him. I pray for the ones I have met and the ones I have yet to meet. I pray for clarity of his plan instead of the proper execution of mine. I pray for my heart and life to reflect and please him.
I am without a doubt imperfect. Compared to God no one will even come close to perfection, so we should stop trying to be this unattainable flawlessness. Instead we should turn away from the evident satanic saturation of our minds, and run into the arms of the only thing that was, is, and always will be perfect.
I cannot express how awesome it has been to surrender everything to God, to experience a freedom from earthly bondage. The beauty of people working for the betterment of His kingdom will consume the ugliness of self-righteousness.  If we strive to please Jesus, then subsequently we will be pleasing others too.

College?

God works in mysterious ways sometimes. To be honest, I wish I always knew what he was working towards and why; but as his daughter and follower I have to put all trust in him.

When it came to making the big decision about college endeavors, I was clueless. I had done all my research, taken all the tours, surfed collegeboard.com, and received countless brochures in the mail. Superficially speaking, I had done everything correctly and followed the rule book to a T. So why did I feel like a fish out of water, flopping around helplessly?

Let me tell ya, thanks to my past experience in theater I was able to put up a good front. If people asked about college, the actress in me would smile and come up with some answer that I thought would satisfy the interested party. April and May came quickly this year, and while all of my friends were excited about making their decision final… I was still struggling, big time.

For a while, I tried to convince myself that this one particular school was right for me. Deep down, I knew it was wrong. When I prayed about it, I knew it was wrong. But when I looked at it from a worldly position, it was right. Therefore the commencement of an inward and spiritual battle took place. Why would God open the doors to somewhere I shouldn’t be, yet close doors to other schools that seemed to fit? Privately tears flowed easily and often, soon people close to me realized that starting a conversation about college was to be left uncharted.

I committed to a school so that I would have the security. Let’s pause for a moment and point out my stupidity. My security was placed in a school. Does anyone else see a major problem with that fact?? My security, without a doubt, should be invested solely in God, nothing else!

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
- Proverbs 3:5

           In late June, after spending time on a mission’s trip and talking with Christian friends, I realized how selfish I had been with this big step in my life. I had been so focused on my decision that I hadn't truly stopped and listened to what God had to say. I prayed and I applied to Grove City.

My application was not processed until the beginning of July, so there was a slim chance that things would work out for this upcoming fall.

 I told God the desires of my heart and for the first time gave all of my doubts and worries to Him. Simply telling God that I trusted him and would follow wherever he led was freeing. The "type A" personality in me likes to have control, but I was at peace. I knew that no matter what happened, even if that meant taking a semester off, God had big plans for me.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
- Jeremiah 29:11

Fast forward to mid-July. Grove City called with an offer of admissions for the fall. After listening to that particular voicemail, I spent time rejoicing with God; dancing around like a fool and loudly shouting thankful praise. All the doors have opened, prayers have been answered, and I have been blessed.

On August 25^th, 2011, I will venture into North Hall dorms as a freshman. I will step foot onto Grove City campus as a bright-eyed, nervous, young woman. I will be even more anxious to see God work in mysterious ways throughout the next four years. I will be holding the comforting hand of my heavenly father as I strive to follow him.

If I have learned one thing from my college hunting experience, it is this: God created me, he knows me, and on top of that he loves the guts out of me. It has become clear that he has wonderful plans for me, if I am willing to listen and obey. I cannot imagine a better Father. What do I have to say to putting my trust in him? Sign me up!

Heartbreak

“Everyone will get their heart broken one time or another”  

             To me that statement portrays one of the many distressful lies which tend to consume us, consequently fogging God’s beautiful vision of union, commitment, and love. I am well aware that heartbreak in the context of social normality is inevitable.  As a teenage girl, the idea of heartbreak has been stamped into my mind. I, along with almost any other girl or even guy for that matter, expect it. Wake-up, call! There is something wrong with that. There is something wrong with the carefree nature of our hearts.

If you ask me the most important part of the body is without a doubt the heart. The processes of it breaking, shattering, and exploding into a mess doesn’t sound like something I would want to sign up for. I want the first time I fall in love to be the last. Therefore, I am taking a step outside of the world’s pre-established guidelines and moving in a bolder direction towards God instead.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of live.”

The Bible is telling us the sacred truth, our hearts are precious. So why do we constantly and without fail abuse our wellspring of life? I believe we are looking for love and acceptance. We are searching for something to fill the void which inhibits our being. And here is where I insert my cliché and typical, yet vastly overlooked Christian insight- only God can fill that void. Yes, the exclusive title of girlfriend and boyfriend may satisfy the surface and the arms of a significant other might vanish insecurities briefly, but there is no love like the love God continually shows us.

Here is God’s definition of love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

After reading that passage on love, it is upsetting and disheartening to realize how insignificant society can make love seem. The love in which Satan promotes as being true is drastically different than what God intended it to be. We often times settle for this surface infatuation with someone and we put our hearts into attraction. We wait for our own personal Disney styled prince charming to sweep us off our feet. I am personally guilty of watching a magnitude of chick flicks, and secretly wishing that the picture perfect love story on the television screen would play out in my life.

Through dealing with my own boy experiences and observing my friends handle relationships, I have come to realize what I want and ultimately need. I need a God-filled life and that definitely means God-filled relationships too. I am only 18 and I don’t expect to find my husband in the near future, so why would I want to jeopardize the purity of my heart by falling into the filth of Satan’s lies? This year I have seen the slightest glimpses of heartache appear in my life, which has slapped me in the face. It truly made me realize the importance of my heart.

I am overjoyed to say that I will no longer patiently wait for my Disney prince charming. I no longer want the Hollywood screenplay love. I am staying as far away as I can from temporary relationships that leave lasting scars. I’m embracing the “single life” for now, and being blessed by the comfort of God’s hand. I by no means think this journey I am taking will be easy, but I have the opportunity to replicate God’s astounding form of love by guarding my heart. I pray for God’s obvious presence as I remain steadfast in my convictions, waiting for my Knight wearing the armor of God!