Fears and Thankfulness.

You don’t understand and for that I am thankful.

                Early this weekend while chit chatting with friends, I admitted to one of my biggest fears- not being understood.  Yet today I sit here realizing that my biggest fear is one of my biggest praises.

                It hits me every so often.  Normally something triggers it; a picture, a Facebook post, a similar story. Then I process. I process that my brother had cancer for four years. I process the rollercoaster of my childhood and parts of me ache in ways that I can’t even describe. Alas I am reminded of the fact that my brother annoys me. How awesome is that? I have annoyance in my life, instead of emptiness. My brother is healthy and alive and annoying! I wouldn’t ask for it to be any other way. The Lord was faithful with Matt’s healing.

                Tonight it all hit me, thanks to a Facebook post about Thon. While my roommate silently rubbed my arm and held me while I sobbed, I unsuccessfully tried to communicate my feelings.  Her response was, “I know I don’t understand, but I love you.”

                And that is when my biggest fear turned into a blessing. I am so thankful that Hannah doesn’t understand and I pray that she never will. I am thankful that because of dedicated doctors and nurses, less people can relate to my experience. I am grateful that because of Penn State Dance Marathon, understanding decreases.

Cancer is ugly. Misunderstanding is beautiful.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XXyQ5gfHT8

Ocean City Beach Project 2013

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

Ocean City Beach Project has already been one of the most influential parts of my Christian faith.

Our white house on the corner of Wesley and 7^th, also known as the Ark, quickly became home to all of the students. My other twenty six Jesus-hungry peers come with different stories, talents, and passions. The unique diversity each individual brings, coupled with a concrete common ground of Christ and a desire to lead, formats one of the most beautiful communities I have ever been a part of.  Simply put, it’s a family.  It is a place of hospitality, acceptance, laughter and growth. One snapshot of this could be found by looking at our dinners. Each night we sit down and eat together, followed by a student or two sharing their testimony. That’s good food, Jesus, and vulnerability, folks.

The basis of the program is to transform college students to be better leaders, get a clearer picture of God’s call in their life, and ultimately in turn transform the world for Christ.  Each student has a job throughout the day which enables us to be a part of the community. With this job comes the opportunity to truly have a servant’s heart in our daily lives and to be immersed in the world of ministry. We are encouraged to invite co-workers over for dinner. We are challenged to live out our faith in the work place. We are given responsibility.

Furthermore, in the evenings, we are blessed with speakers who teach truth into our lives; everything from gospel identity, to bible study leading techniques, to strength finders material. We are also diving into the book of Mark together this summer. Broken up into small groups, we are then each able to lead a bible study on a specific passage of Mark. We have discussion groups about Tim Keller’s Gospel in Life series which are particularly challenging to how we practically live out the gospel. On top of this, there is a more intimate group called a triad; a staff member and two students. The triad groups are reading through A Gospel Centered Life and digging into everything on a much more personal level. I can’t fail to mention having house worship each week or being connected with a local church and investing in them (even by little ways such as joining the choir).

God is constantly revealing himself as we constantly seek him. I am humbled by the amount I have learned in my short time here. Everyone in the program is hungry, thirsty, and desperate for Christ- and he satisfies. I am so grateful for experiencing that satisfaction that doesn’t disappoint or leave me empty. I am thankful to learn more about myself. I am in love, quite frankly, with Jesus.

This season of my life is evidently a time of contentment and restoration that can only be found in Christ. After a storm, there is shock.  After shock, there is acceptance and initial healing. Yet there is one aspect that often gets overlooked; the rebuilding, rediscovering, redirecting and attending. This is the step that requires action. I’ve experienced many storms and mindlessly continued to live among the rubble instead of clearing out the junk and replacing it with something beautiful.

The Beach Project has been so vital in clearing out the trash in my heart. Being surrounded by a Christian community has been incredible. Sharing my story and experiencing acceptance, freedom, iron sharpening iron, Christ chasing after me daily. Praise be to God!

Wounds are being healed and replaced with the appearance of beautiful scars. Redemption is bringing glory to the only one who deserves it. Growth is evident and love is easier. Positive action is not only wanted, but needed. Walls are crumbling, truth is not only heard but believed, and prayers for more faith are constantly whispered in longing of an adopted daughter’s heart.

Yo quiero

                As I traveled to the Dominican again I was excited about what God had in store. I know that whenever we break out of our comfort zones, God uses the opportunity to teach us if we are willing to learn. 

                I spent most of my time at the Social Work Site in El Callejon. Obstacle number one: the language barrier. Thankfully the Lord provided patient servants of service who willingly taught me “un chin” (a little bit) of the language each day. Needless to say, everyone received some comic relief as I stumbled over pronunciation.  One of my frequent mistakes was saying “the floor” instead of “heaven”. Just imagine hearing someone say “Our God in the floor is faithful.”  Among all the sayings I learned, the first and most useful was the phrase yo quiero, which translates into I want.

                After having time to reflect on the trip, my summer, my year, and the future, I realized that my mindset and the cry of my heart seems to be yo quiero.  I want this and that. I want a bright future, security, a new phone, cute clothes, and perfect relationships. I want things to work out perfectly in my timing, just the way I planned it to.  I want. 

                My consumption mindset leaves little room for God’s giving spirit to fill me. When I am so focused on the things around me instead of the things above me, I am living for the wrong purpose and I am running the race towards a prize that will disintegrate.

                You can seem to have your life together; go on mission’s trips, attend church every week, pray before meals, and read a chapter of your bible each night…but if our hearts have not been surrendered to Christ then our weaknesses will easily be attacked by Satan. If we don’t accept God’s incredible and undeserved gift of Jesus, then we are wandering lost.

                I get frustrated with myself when I think about how much time I spend doing things that please myself instead of furthering the Kingdom.  We are called to store up our treasures in Heaven. Instead of doing an occasional good deed, I pray that my lifestyle is one that belittles the importance of selfish and sinful desires. I pray that I truly run the race marked out for us with my all. God deserves my adoration, repentance, thoughts, and heart. Let’s be honest, He deserves everything.

                Day after day, the ways of this world present themselves in such an appealing light. I don’t want to conform. Therefore I am planning on surrendering myself daily to Him. Instead of saying yo quiero, I will be asking the Lord what He wants.

                I want to be where you are. I want to follow you, Lord... Your plans are far better than mine. 

Haven't made an appearance here in a while...

            I suppose that I only feel compelled to write my thoughts when something significant is happening. Whenever anything significant happens, God is working. There is no doubt about that. Yet I think one of the biggest things I have to remind myself of is that when insignificant things are happening, God is working.

                I always feel so close to God in times of need. Throughout my life I have encountered dark valleys, long nights, and hurt. God was there through it all; loving me, holding me, and reminding me of his incomparable promises. With change, the Lord presents his sculpting hands and so evidently molds his children. With brokenness, the Lord presents open arms and forgiveness. With doubt, He gives reassurance. And with weakness, His strength conquers all.

                A few months ago I tried to memorize Psalm 91. Today as I was having quiet time, I realized how little of the verse I remembered. Needless to say I failed that goal. So I opened my Bible and started to read, then meditate. The sword of truth, God’s word, so clearly reminds me of how fleeting the lies are that Satan or others have told me and how unwavering His love is.

                “He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91:15-16

                Okay, can we all just stop for a second and think about what that verse says? We call upon God and He answers, He delivers, and He satisfies. Now smile! That is incredible. 

                So I am setting out to memorize this Psalm yet again. This time with the beautiful reminder that insignificant is not in God’s vocabulary. He will be there to comfort, love, and hold me in the midst of everything.

                Now the next step is accepting that love constantly not just when I think I need it. Let’s be honest, I need it all the time. That unfailing love is the only place where identity and security can be found.  Praise be to God for such a sturdy foundation. We have a creator whom we can be vulnerable with and face no fear of rejection.  So undeserved and such a blessing.

                My prayer is for unavoidable awareness of God in every situation.

Amen.